Salam.
Saya pasti untuk siapa pun wanita yang dah berkahwin, mesti
dah ada target untuk having a baby. As for me and husband, kami tak planning.
Memang nakkan baby jadi bila-bila masa ada rezeki, we think we’re ready for it.
Tapi, dah ditentukan Allah, Allah kata waktu tu kami belum bersedia untuk jadi
parents, jadi Allah ambil baby tu dulu. Sedih memang sedih, tapi saya sentiasa
percaya ada hikmah di sebalik semua yang Allah takdirkan. It happened last
year.
26/4/2014 (First UPT
test)
I bought the UPT sebab I was late. Tak ingat lah dalam
berapa hari. A (husband) was very excited. Dia yang suggest suruh saya beli UPT
tu. Saya tanya dia nak beli brand apa. He said tak kisah. Mahal pun takpe.
Okay. Since saya pernah baca katanya brand Clearblue tu highly accurate, so I
gave it a try.
Masa tu saya dekat rumah my mom in Selangor. Senyap-senyap
saya pegi buat test tu, masa tu all my nephews and sibs tengah main-main dekat
halaman rumah. Turns out it was negative. Dengan perasaan yang sangat hampa,
saya masuk bilik, bagitau result test tu. A peluk saya, he said its okay. Kita
cuba lagi. Saya nangis gila-gila. Now I know macam mana perasaan married couple
yang nak sangat kehadiran anak dalam hidup dorang.
19/6/2014 (Bleeding –
period?)
Masa ni saya dah start kerja. I was working night shift
together with A. Tapi A kat department lain lah. Just that we applied for same
night shift and off days supaya kalau nak pergi mana-mana bolehlah pergi sama.
Yelah kalau sorang je cuti, sorang tak cuti, takkan nak tinggalkan sorang lagi
kan. Macam sedih je. Hehe.
That night memang penat. Tak sempat nak rehat pun. Turun
naik turun naik lari sana lari sini. Esok paginya, my shift ended at 8++. Lepas
dah settle semua kerja, saya pergi toilet to freshen up sebab plan nak balik
Selangor terus lepas tu. Tiba-tiba, I realized there was spotting.
I wasn’t surprised or anything. Saya ingatkan period. Sibuk
kerja sampai saya tak sedar yang saya dah pun lambat 2 minggu waktu tu.
So, A and I pun balik Selangor as planned, as if nothing
happened.
22/6/2014 (Something
came out..)
Masa ni, saya dah pun balik ke rumah mertua di Kedah. I was
still bleeding. Cumanya waktu tu mula heavy flow. Mulanya ok je. Until that
night, I started having cramps yang sangat-sangat sakit. Sampai saya
nangis-nangis dekat A. Saya memang biasanya ada senggugut, tapi biasanya 1-2
days before period and paling lama pun sampai 1-2 days after period start. And
usually its bearable la. Takdela sampai nangis-nangis macam tu.
At one point, saya dah tak tahan sangat. So saya amik some
Mefenamic Acid (painkillers). Brought them to the kitchen then saya pergi
toilet dulu sebab rasa macam nak pass motion dulu (lol). Tiba-tiba (ok part ni
geli sikit), SOMETHING came out of my miss V. And immediately, the pain goes
away, completely. Memang tak sakit langsung lepas tu.
At first it looked like a pile of blood clot.
But I knew it was something else.
I took it (although macam geli-geli kan haha) and cuci
bersih-bersih. It was actually macam gumpalan tissue warna gray-ish. And ada
benda bulat kecik macam melekat dekat satu part of the tissue. Lol I wish I can
explain this in a better way.
I put in on a tissue paper and kejut A.
Saya : “Yang, I rasa I gugur.”
A was shocked. I guess dia tak tahu nak buat apa. Dia terus
bangun pergi bagitau his parents about it. And they decided untuk tanam the
next morning.
Saya? Saya cuma diam. Bila mak mertua datang dan tanya,
barulah air mata mula mengalir sikit-sikit. Saya macam terkesima sekejap tak
sangka benda ni boleh terjadi pada saya.
That night, I asked A.
Saya : “Yang, sedih tak?”
A angguk. A jenis ego tau. Dia mana pernah nak mengaku dia
happy ke sedih ke. When he says he was sad, I know he truly means it. I spent
the night crying in his arms.
23/6/2014 (Complete Miscarriage)
Saya pergi kerja dengan A, shift malam lagi. I didn’t feel
any pain, so I thought it was okay going to work even though I was still
bleeding.
Suddenly, our boss, A and a friend came to my workstation.
Our boss called me and talked to me privately.
Boss : “What happened?”
I told her everything.
Boss : “I already called an O&G MO. Go see her. Lepastu
balik rumah. You are not fit enough to do this call.”
Saya: “But.. who’s going to do my call?”
Boss: “I’ll make sure your team mates work something out.
You go home.”
And so I pun rasa bersalah dan sangat berterima kasih dekat
my team mates.
A and I went to see an O&G MO.
She did an Ultrasound and speculum. My uterus was about 6-7
weeks size, but there was nothing inside. It was a complete miscarriage. So tak
payah buat D&C. Cuma dia jab Oxytocin untuk control the bleeding. Heck,
rasa nak pengsan lepas jab Oxytocin tu. Sampai A papah I jalan. I guess my BP
drops kot. Sometimes memang ada side effect macam tu.
Dia bagi saya Folic acid and 1 week MC (eh terkejut dapat
MC. Walaupun happy sebenarnya lol). MO tu kata sepatutnya dapat 2 weeks, tapi
since my leave shouldnt exceed 9 days, so dia bagi 1 week je. Kesian saya.
Haha.
Balik rumah, nangis lagi.
I was devastated. I blamed myself for being so ignorant that
it takes its toll on my baby. Walaupun saya sangat-sangat tau yang miscarriage
tu boleh disebabkan macam-macam and could happen to anyone. But I cant help it.
Apa-apa pun, alhamdulillah. Sekarang dah pun mengandung
untuk kali kedua. Harap-harap, kali ni memang rezeki kami. Kebetulan saya pun dah
tak kerja dan boleh jaga diri dan kandungan baik-baik. Cantik betul susunan Allah.
At least I know my first child is waiting for me in Jannah :)
"Hmph?! What? I'm coming out in 4 months? Okay. Let me sleep first."
Toodles!
